Premarital relations- Why are they illicit?
Love that does not know how to wait is not love; love that is not virtue is not love
1. Concept and Discussion
The premarital relationship is understood as the complete sexual act between the boyfriends who have a serious intention of getting married or at least they are seriously considering the possibility of doing so. The other types of sex between "friends" or boyfriends who have not yet raised marriage are simply acts of simple "fornication" (anyway the judgment given here is worth as much for one as for others).
The extension of this type of relationship between the bride and groom has taken, in many places, a proportion such that many judges it as a "normal" attitude, with a letter of citizenship in all courtship. The causes of its propagation can be seen in different phenomena of our time as being:
-The reduction of sex love.
– The reduction of sex to genitalia.
– Indefinite prolongation of some courtship.
– The bombardment of pornography in social media.
-The ease of recourse to contraceptive media and the contraceptive and abortion mentality within the same marriage.
– The loss of the sense of chastity and virginity.
-The lack of education of character and affection in general.
On the illicitness of fornication moral judgment does not offer a place to arguments: "Fornication is the carnal union between a man and a woman outside of marriage. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of people and human sexuality, naturally ordained to the good of husbands, as well as to the generation and education of children. Also, it is a serious scandal when there is employing corruption of minors ".
On the other hand, for some moralists and many faithful Catholics, premarital relations would not fall into the same category. According to some, the reason is that they should be judged within the project of the love of future marriage. Just as there is no denying that the bride and groom will truly love each other, so it cannot be said that such relationships are left out of their love. For example, A. Gardener, recognizing that "these pre-marriage situations are not the ideal picture to live sexuality and therefore are not advisable premarital sex and in this sense are bad," he concludes: "However, we are not We dare to say that premarital sexual relations, when they express a true total love and to Always be seriously bad. It is something that must be seen in each case and will depend much on the love that is in its base and the real approximation to the marriage at the time when they occur". In another place says that "Express love... Eighty percent are missing a twenty percent maturity... ". So says the document human person: "Many today claim the right to the sexual union before marriage, at least when a firm resolution to contract it and an affection that, in a way, is already conjugal in the psychology of the bride and groom ask that complement, which they judge Connatural".
Other moralists, opposing the positive right (which prescribes when and how to celebrate the marriage, as does, for example, the Code of Canon Law) to the natural law, affirm that in extraordinary circumstances or difficult and supposed the will Serious of marrying publicly in due time, the sexual relations between boyfriends would be justified based on a marriage initiated by natural right. Thus, they think with some variants, for example, L. Rossi, A. Valsecchi, M. Vidal, etc.
But this is not the case.
2. Moral judgment
Premarital relations are wrong because of their object and, although it cannot be denied that the bride and groom love each other, it can be said that sexual intercourse is not an authentic manifestation of love at that stage of their lives.
Why? Fundamentally because "Sexual intercourse" is the full and exclusive manifestation of conjugality, and the bridegrooms lack conjugality even if they are ordained to it and are preparing for it. It is the full manifestation of marital love because it is in the sexual relationship where the spouses reach the maximum physical union and, through it, they foster the maximum affective and spiritual unity. There they are "one flesh" and by this Act also "a single spirit". But it is also the exclusive manifestation of conjugality because it is lawful to carry out sexuality only within marriage.
Why only in marriage? By the language of the body. The sexual act is part of the human language; It has a unique, unrepeatable and indispensable meaning; And what that act "says" is only true when there is a definitive marriage commitment. What does that act say? He says total donation. A donation is total when it includes:
-Everything you have
– In an exclusive way
-In the most perfect state where you can be what you donate
However, the Donation between spouses is total when it includes: all that is (body, soul, affection, present, and future); Exclusively (i.e., a single person excluding all others); In perfect condition (not diminished or deteriorated, as occurs when capacities have been previously annulled through contraceptives or sterilizers); For life (which is guaranteed only after the public commitment given in marriage consent). These elements can only be lived in the marriage validly celebrated.
In the premarital relationship, on the other hand:
-you do not know how much you have: because you have not given everything who has not yet publicly pronounced the "marital self" before society: you have not given your future, you have not given your name, you have not given your commitment; in fact, true love is a "sacrificial" act of total gift of oneself to the other; On the other hand, in the premarital sexual relationship (and the same is said of the extramarital) what is psychologically prime is not sacrifice but the egoistic search for pleasure: the "other" is not the one to whom it is given but what is taken for one.
-It is not exclusive, or at least not necessarily exclusive: Because the lack of marriage commitment often leads to the breakdown of courtship (even the most serious) and the establishment of new dating; In this way, the premarital relations are with different women or different men;
-It is not generally given in the most perfect state: "Most of the time they exclude the Offspring"
-It is not for life: it is necessary to sign it for the only act that makes the commitment irretrievable, which is the valid celebration of marriage.
Hence, the following moral rules can be established to regulate the behavior of the couple:
-The manifestations of affection are lawful, accepted by the customs, which are a sign of courtesy, urbanity, and education
-The expressions of modesty (hugs, kisses, glances, thoughts, desires) are illicit with the express and deliberate intention of venereal or sexual pleasure, even if one does not have the will to arrive at the complete sexual relation
-No shame expressions and complete sexual relations are all the more illicit.
In summary: "They reserve for the time of the marriage the manifestations of tenderness specific of the conjugal love".
3. Consequences of premarital relations
The above is the central and definitive argument. However, the analysis of the most common consequences of premarital relations reinforces the negative judgment that we have made of them. Among these can be noted:
a) In the biological order:
-Frigidity: the sexual activity exercised by girls from 15 to 18 years old can be a cause of frigidity in later times; in some studies, 45% of women questioned referred to the lack of sexual reaction capacity as a fearsome consequence of premarital relationships; it is proven that many women are not frigid by the constitution, but because of inadequate sexual experiences before marriage. This provokes in some cases the phenomenon of the pseudo-lesbians and the amphibious ones, that is to say, of the women who seek the love encounter with other women, because they have been disappointed with the men, or they alternate indifferently the intimate company of the Men and women.
-Venereal diseases: "Among the thousands of cases venereal care," says Carnot, "I never found a single one that did not have a direct or indirect origin of a sexual disorder." Among these the most extensive are syphilis, gonorrhea and currently AIDS.
-Pregnancies: Although most boyfriends resort to contraception, this -as you know- is not able to prevent incidental pregnancies.
b) In the psychological order:
-It creates fear: as the relations usually take place in clandestinely, they create a climate of fear: fear of being discovered, fear of being betrayed later, fear of fertilization, fear of social infamy. They also create another passionate alteration that is the jealous temperament: the lack of legal bond always makes fear the abandonment or disenchantment of the boyfriend or girlfriend and the search for satisfaction in another person; In fact, no link can prevent it; That is why premarital sex life engenders in the bride and groom a climate of systematic suspicion of infidelity.
-It gives excessive importance to sex, sexual instinct, sexual enjoyment. This produces a detriment in the other dimensions of love: Affective and spiritual. Usually, this resents the same courtship and then the marriage. Likewise, this centralization of love in sex curbs the process of emotional and intellectual maturation. "An early sexual relationship carried out regularly... It also exerts its inhibitory effect on the intellectual development and the consecutive evolution of the mind... " (Tumlirz).
- It introduces inequality between men and women. No one can deny that in the practice of premarital relationships who is in the worst condition is the woman. This, in effect: "loses virginity; she feels enslaved to the boyfriend who seeks to have relationships more and more frequently; he cannot say no, because he is afraid that he will leave her, reproaching her that she no longer wants him; he lives with great anguish that his parents learn about their relationships; participates in the annoyances of the marital act, without having the security and tranquility of marriage". Lives in fear of becoming pregnant; If she becomes pregnant she is pressured to abort by the boyfriend who leaves her alone to the problems of the pregnancy, my family and friends and even by international institutions, foundations, and associations that fight for the diffusion of the abortion in the world.
C) In the social order:
- Hasty marriages. Experience proves it to fatigue. Unintentional pregnancies, social infamy, often lead to the haste of marriage when it lacks the due maturity to confront it and this, in turn, ends in an irreversible rupture.
- Procured abortions. The experience also shows us the increasing number of abortions and especially the relationship between the abortion mentality and the contraceptive mentality. However, no one can deny that the latter is the most common environment for those practicing premarital sex; As a result, abortion will also be one of its most dire consequences.
-Illegitimate motherhood when the abortion is not carried out and the hasty marriage is not chosen, it ends up facing illegitimate maternity. The problem of teenage single mothers is also one of the most pressing concerns of our time. It is precisely one of the arguments that are used in favor of sex education laws that reduce this to the free instruction and distribution of contraceptives. In general, according to some statistics, the highest percentage of illegitimate children who are not segmented by abortion corresponds to girls between 15 and 19 years old, then those who are between 20 and 24 years old; the lowest rate is that of those under 15 years of age.
3. Conclusion: Keeping chastity before marriage
Perfect chastity before marriage is essential to love: "The bride and groom are called to live chastity incontinence. In this test, they have to see a discovery of mutual respect, learning of fidelity and the hope of receiving each other from God. They reserve for the time of the marriage the manifestations of tenderness specific of the conjugal love. They must help each other to grow in chastity ". Among other reasons we can indicate the following:
A. Chastity is the weapon that the young man or the young person has to see if it is loved by his partner. This for several reasons:
-Because if you love the other would not take you to sin knowing that it degrades before God, it makes you lose grace and expose you to eternal damnation.
- Because it is the only way that a young person or young person has to truly prove that he or she wants to be reserved exclusively for those who will be their spouse. In fact, by not accepting to have relations with her boyfriend, with whom most exposed to temptation is, less likely to do with another. On the other hand, if they do it among themselves knowing that this can lead them to a close marriage or certain social infamy, what guarantees that they do not do it with others or others with whom they do not commit? Not to consent to premarital relationships is a sign of fidelity; the opposite can be an indication of infidelity.
- Finally Because the self-respecting of chastity is the weapon to be known truly loved. Indeed, if the bride requested by her boyfriend (or vice versa) refuses to have sex for virtue, two things can happen: either her boyfriend respects his decision and shares his desire for chastity, which will be the best guarantee that he now respects his freedom, therefore, the assurance that he will continue to respect her in marriage; or that threatens to leave (and may do so), which will solve in advance a future marriage failure, because if the boyfriend threatens his girlfriend (or vice versa) because she or he decides to be virtuous, it means that the courtship has been founded on pleasure and not on virtue, and this is the ground on which all marriages that fail are based.
B. Chastity is fundamental to character education. The young man or the young woman who comes to court and is directed to marriage cannot avoid the obligation to help her future spouse to educate her character. Psychological maturation is a lifelong job. It consists of forging a will capable of clinging to the good despite the great difficulties. Just as parents are concerned about helping their children achieve this maturation, the groom must also help his girlfriend (and vice versa) and the husband to his wife. Work on chastity is essential for this; because it is one of the main sources of temptation for man; consequently it is one of the main areas where self-control is exercised. Who does not work in this not only is an impure but it can become a man or a woman depersonalized, without character. And just as he has no control over himself in the field of chastity, he will not have it in other fields of human psychology either. He who has the habit of responding to temptations against purity by committing impure acts will respond to temptations against patience by striking his wife and children, responding to the difficulties of depressing life, responding to the temptation of greed by stealing and missing justice, and will respond to the temptation against hope by taking his life.
C. Chastity is essential because true happiness is founded on virtue. But the virtues are connected. It is not possible, therefore, to expect the other virtues proper of courtship and marriage to live if chastity is not lived. If chastity is not lived, why should fidelity, selflessness, sacrifice, fellowship, hope, trust, support, etc. be lived? Chastity is not the hardest of virtues; at least it is not always more difficult than humility or patience when marital intimacy begins to show the defects of the spouse that were not seen in the romance of dating. That is why the guard of purity is a guarantee that you are willing to acquire the other virtues.
So we can conclude: love that does not know how to wait is not love; love that is not sacrificed is not loved; love that is not virtue is not loved.