Chastity in courtship and marital fidelity
Man must choose in every moment, not the most appetizing, but the most convenient for his personal development.
Some say that if a boy and a girl want to live matrimonially, they don't need any bureaucratic paperwork.
That's very comfortable, but it's not serious.
In life, all serious things are formalized with a document. If you lend a friend a million pesetas, your word is not enough for your friend. You'll be quieter if you throw a sign in a little piece of paper. For marriage is a very serious thing, which puts into play the education of children who need a home, and that cannot be at the mercy of a couple who do not want to commit to living together, and therefore at any time difficult, for which all couples necessarily pass, one of the two could leave the other planted and leave, sometimes, precisely at an age in which it will be very difficult to find a new partner, and loneliness torment the other all the rest of his life.
Besides, love seeks stability. The institutionalization of love in marriage is something constant throughout history.
Other than that children have the right to a stable home indispensable to their education.
But also, children can be traumatized by realizing the rejection of others because of their anomalous situation. And if they marry after having the child, the trauma can be from one of the couples to that son who has forced him to marry against his will.
So the church does not agree with those couples who want to live matrimonially, but without formalizing the marriage (1). The same act (coitus) changes moral value if circumstances change (marriage) that can grant a right that was not previously. The media continually invites us to free sex. However, the sexuality "disconnected" of the love and the feelings lower and debases the person and lead to the neurosis (2).
The basis of marriage happiness is in the spiritual love between both spouses. This one is enduring, the one that never tired. And the more you put carnal in your affection, the less place you leave for the spiritual.
Relationships in which there are concessions to the concupiscence, They lower, they lose elevation and spirituality, that is to say, they lose strength in their fundamental bond. Instead, when instinct is braked by virtue, an elevation aura illuminates that affection, and self-control and mutual respect strengthens the bond that will unite them for a lifetime.
When this spiritual love is given, the courtship is a time of mutual education: it becomes purer, leaves certain friends, etc., by liking it; And she wears more decency, beats her genius and her whims, etc., by liking him. But when the love of dating is based on flesh and instinct, that love is selfish, it seeks only its satisfaction.
Selfishness will acquire unsuspected proportions in marriage.
"Love cannot be limited to a pleasurable utility that seeks its benefit" (3).
Joy is the satisfaction of having reached a desire. It's savoring something good we expected. Joy is about pleasure. Pleasure is in the senses, and joy in the soul. Joy is the way to happiness. Joy is a cause of optimism, satisfaction, and rejoicing. Joy enriches the interior and makes life worth living.
Happiness is carried in the soul. Victor Frankl, deceased in Vienna, at 92 years, on September 2, 1997, father of Logotherapy, the "Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy", according to which the primary psychological motivation of man is the search for the meaning of life (4), in his workman in search of meaning says: "Happiness can never be searched directly. It can only come as a consequence of having delivered the best of ourselves for a noble cause. '
Says Dr. Rodríguez Delgado, which is not the same pleasure as happiness. Pleasure is in the senses. Happiness in the soul. Love has two sides, affection, which is the love of the soul, and the desire that is the love of the body. Affection is made of tenderness, admiration, respect, etc. Desire tries to possess the body of the other, culminating in the sexual union.
The difference between love and desire is that love is attracted by the virtues of the person and the desire for bodily beauty (5).
Love is more spiritual, it is more directed to the beauty of the soul. It is emerging little by little with the treatment of the beloved person. Desire springs up more explosively. It is aimed at body appeal. It is more violent, it seeks to express itself in hugs and frantic kisses, which are ways of trying to possess the body of the other. They are changes in sexual union. Desire is born in the body. It feels in the body, it goes to the body of the other. Love is less explosive and violent. It is deeper, more satisfying. More comforting It is made of tenderness, admiration, respect, and identification with the beloved person (6).
"Today we talk a lot about sex and little Love" (7).
Sometimes they get singles, already old enough, who have found a partner with whom to make sex life, and do not want to tie with the marriage. They are selfish people who seek only their satisfaction, unable to love anyone, and therefore unable to make anyone happy. They only want themselves, and in the long run, it's unbearable to live with them.
Those of singles always wanted to satisfy their whims, they come to the marriage with a fiercely selfish soul and an avid body of pleasures. As it is natural marriage cannot give them everything they want, and their lack of Christian meaning makes them unhappy even in this life. The result of this is the marital failures we see everywhere.
Many complain about their marriage when there is no more remedy because an indissoluble bond binds them for life. But few people realize that their marital failure is because they took the courtship as a fun, and contracted the marriage lightly, with frivolity and sensuality.
Many Marital failures, many unfortunate marriages must have had a false concept of love. Movies, novels, radio songs and serials are full of pagan ideas about love. Whoever drinks in those sources, it's natural to feel the effects of the poison. Marriage is a very serious thing, and like all serious things, it requires its proper preparation. Frivolity, lightness, passion, and love play have killed true love.
Boys and girls like the physical appeal, the sexual instinct, the satisfaction that the other produces to themselves. And this is selfishness, it does not love. And selfishness is capricious, fickle, transient. These passionate and selfish loves cannot give stable happiness.
Soon they get tired and they crave to change objects.
Objects don't love each other. They are used for one, and then they are thrown or forgotten. A girl who does not respect is reduced to be a toy. And the toys last more or less but end up forgotten.
I was writing a girl:
Father, it's disgusting. All the guys come to the same thing. If you don't leave, they don't care. Letting oneself be used for fear of abandonment is nonsense because those who use do not love, and those who do not love will end up abandoning. For some guys, girls are like those objects that wear a label that says, "pull over after you use it." Love is something else. Love is giving. It is to enrich, dignify, ennoble the loved one. Never enjoy it for yourself. That's selfishness (8). And selfishness is the death of love, while sacrifice is the true test of love. When the bride and groom have been tempered in sacrifice for the sake of the other, the marriage will be delightful. But if what you have done with boyfriends is to encourage your selfishness, it makes sense that your marriage is a failure.
Already said Aristotle That "to love is to seek the good of the loved one" (9).
Saint Thomas Aquinas, He said: "To love is to desire the good of someone" (10).
And Socrates "Love is to be given" (11) Jean Guitton He learned as a child these verses that express the same idea:
"For your happiness, I would give mine. Even if you never had to know. To hear sometime in the distance the laughter of Bliss, born of my Sacrifice" (12).
"Love, unlike money, the more you give, the more you have; the more generous, the bigger and more beautiful.
It is not to seek to be understood, but to comprehend;
It is not to seek to be forgiven, but to forgive;
It is not to seek to be glad, but to rejoice;
It is not to seek to be loved but to love.
To love is to know how to sacrifice, to crush the heart
For the happiness of the loved one.
If you don't want to suffer, don't love; but, if you don't love, why do you want to live?" (13). The human being is a person, it is not a thing. Love integrates the Respect for the person, or not love, even if there are erotic manifestations; For love is not the excitement of the senses. True love is not directed only to the body, but to the whole person (14).
"Love is a gift in itself and it is not possible to be half-delivered. Love is total, or it is no longer love" (15)
"Conjugal love is a love of totality. Being a total love, it has to be a definitive love. A total love that has reserves in time, cannot be a total love... The whole of love is indivisible... By its very essence, it is faithful and exclusive. Total love cannot be shared with several people" (16).
In the most general sense, it can be described as the active character of love affirming that love is fundamentally to give, not to receive...
Giving is more satisfying, more joyful, than receiving; Love is more important than being loved. By loving, you feel the power to produce love-before the dependence of receiving being loved.
Child Love follows the principle: "I love because they love me." Mature Love obeys the principle: "They love me because I love." Immature love says: "I love you because I need You" (17).
The concupiscence says: "I love you because you are good to me." True love says, "I love you because I desire what is good for you." "Reciprocal love" is not the satiety of the concupiscence of each one, which is a coincidence of selfishness. "True reciprocity cannot be born of two selfishness, but it must necessarily imply the altruism of each one."
"To love is to be given and given means to limit their freedom to the benefit of another. The limitation of freedom could be in itself something negative and unpleasant, but love does that on the contrary, it is positive, cheerful and creative. Freedom is made for love... Man desires love more than freedom: freedom is a means, love is an end" (18).
The only enduring love, which gives growing happiness to the passage of time, the only love that gives maximum happiness possible in this world, is the love that above the self-satisfaction seeks the good of the loved one, but for it has to give up their own S desires.
Self-seeking love irremediably fails. Love elevates, Passion debases. The love that seeks the good of the loved one will come to find the true bliss. The experience of life confirms the truth of all this. So, it is worth so little to fall in love with the body, which is sexual love. And instead, there are so many guarantees of success in the love of the soul, which is spiritual.
If what you seek, in what you call love, is quench your thirst, you do not love, let go. If you are looking to serve, ennoble, perfect the loved one, congratulate yourself: you have found the way of true love.
And the more this is, the happier that love will make you.
Consider these ideas slowly:
-If you ecstasies to its beauty..., it's just not loved: it's admiration.
-If you feel your heart beating in its presence..., that does just not love: it's sensibility.
-If you crave a caress, a kiss, a hug, somehow possess your body..., that does just not love: it's sensuality.
-But if you want your good, even at the cost of your sacrifice..., congratulations: you found true love (19).
It is not the same to love a person to make her happy, to love her so that she, with her love, will make us happy. This second is selfishness. Yet you have to bear in mind that one can sacrifice not only for love but also for desire. You can make great sacrifices to get things: a car, clothing, etc.; And things don't love each other. They just want to. And when they get, they are changed for something better, better or more modern (20).
"Under the name of love circulates merchandise that is his denial and caricature. What is serious is that true love is being vilified on the part of all those phonies of human sexuality. The serious thing is that by dint of presenting a deformed image of sexuality, it compromises its value as a human being" (21). Normal sex no longer attracts; He's handing out extravagances and perversions. Sadism and masochism are for sale, and, alongside them, male and female homosexuality, and everything else.
New forms of cohabitation of man and woman are presented, like group sex, change of couples, etc. But also, of these novelties will be tiring the consumer. The hedonistic atmosphere that pervades us laughs at selfless love. He's only interested in looking for pleasurable gratification. He has No horizon but to quench his instincts. It does not admit any other value than the pleasant. This is the narrow, suffocating circle of eroticism. Although, fortunately, there are many examples of generous love, free from the tyranny of selfishness and reductionism debasing (22). "Eroticism is the separation of sexuality from conjugal love to procure pleasurable gratifications" (23).
The mere explanation of how pleasurable sensations are obtained already constitutes, in fact, an incitement to mere eroticism. Does not form for the Love, Warp. It launches by a way contrary to true love (24). The erotic caress of the body, the loving caress the soul.
"Let's not convert love into something biological". I want because I feel. I stop feeling, I stop loving. " This is not true (...) Feelings, over time, are decreasing. The same is the pain of the death of a mother that the illusion of the lovers. (...) But love is not the same as feeling. (...) One cannot put love, which is the most important thing in the life of a person, in the hands of something that I cannot master, as is the feeling. Love is in something that I dominate: the will. I want because I want to love it. After all, I want to keep wanting. This is in my hands, even if I don't feel anything (25). A mother next to the bed of her sick child may not feel anything pleasant, but she is loving her son. The secret is to surrender. The more you deliver one, the more you want. The things you give yourself, you end up wanting (26).
The man, being sensitive, is attracted to gratifying stimuli. And this is for him a value. But as at the same time it is spiritual, it cannot have as a goal to enjoy the pleasant sensible stimuli. For him, the truth and the good are superior. Orienting your life According to a true hierarchy of values makes you mature as a human person and gives you peace and happiness (27). Said Dr. Enrique Rojas, Doctor-psychiatrist, in the black and white of November 8, 1998: "The disconnected sexuality of love leads to the neurotic. (...) Today we are witnessing true idolatry of sex. (...) Sexuality is not something purely biological, a pleasure of the body, but it looks at the innermost of the person. Hence it must be wrapped in love. (...) Not having principles is devastating" (28).
A man cannot be happy when he is half-done. When he stays on the road preying on ephemeral attractions. The human being is fully realized when he puts all his powers at the service of the realization of the most valuable possibilities» (29). "Man must choose in every moment not the most appetizing, but the most convenient for his personal development"(30).
The nice thing is value. But placing the pleasant at the top of the scale of values is hedonism, which takes the idea of life to accumulate easy gratifications and pleasurable sensations (31).
Having lost the meaning of sacrifice must be described as one of the greatest calamities of the TWENTIETH century. For two centuries, every sacrifice has been interpreted as repression and amputation of the True man's being. This is a mistake that can destroy our personal life in the bud. (...). Granting primacy to higher values constitutes the core of the human virtue of responsibility. (...). The will to serve a valuable ideal acquires indomitable energy (...). The greatest effort of our existence must be to realize ourselves as human people(32).