Why do marriages fail today?
The worst threat of marriage is monotony
Hannibal Cuevas renowned author and family counselor speaks in an interview about marriage and family life based on the experience he had accumulated for years. Among its main conclusions, it is worth noting that the worst threat of marriage is monotony. Below we reproduce the full interview.
-What are the main problems marriages face today?
It is undoubtedly a very complex topic that encompasses many areas of life, not only personal or partner factors influence but environmental, social, labor and economic ones. As I like to be practical, I will state some of the causes of failure that are in the hand of spouses to avoid.
Our society is overly affectionate and sentimental, there is great confusion between what is love and what is infatuation. To love someone is to love good for, to do everything possible to make the other person happy, to forget about oneself... You give yourself unconditionally and on the other hand, infatuation has more to do with moods, feelings, etc... and is therefore variable. Is infatuation bad? No, but as the basis of marriage, it's very scary.
Another failure factor is the misconception between being free and being independent. When I get married I do it freely, I can give things up freely. I can, and I must be free in marriage but without losing sight that this is not the sum of 1+1 but something new. Independence means disengagement, a lack of communion and each one on their own, to be defensive so that I am not annulled.
I would also like to emphasize that the male and female psychologies are different, neither better nor worse than the other one. A man cannot pretend to measure or interpret what a woman does or says according to her schemes, and vice versa. You must put yourself in each other's shoes, get to know and know his/her characteristics.
Finally, I believe that most failures occur for reasons related to how sexuality is lived. Here is the idea that men and women are very different. When you are limited to the pure physique we are on track to fail; we must recover the affective and the spiritual in conjugal relations.
-What can be done to keep the marriage together?
Telegraphically: be faithful to the common project, put all the meat on the spit, "burn the ships". Show appreciation and respect to your couple in small details every day. Understand each other, know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness, be grateful. Do not allow toxic thoughts on the couple but the positive ones, encourage the desire to return home during the day; banish victimhood and finally build a happy and human integrated sexual life that seeks something deeper than mere physical enjoyment and related to the greatest of love: to give life.
-What mistakes are the most frequently commented on by both men and women after marriage?
The genial Chumy Chumez claimed that the most effective solvent of marriage is boredom and monotony. Marriage begins with an engagement ceremony; it is from that moment when we must take care of what has just been born. Be in love not only with the spouse but with life in general, look for reasons to live and seek them together. I think that sharing a transcendent view of life is very important. You must elevate marriage life and put it in another dimension and sometimes it is not simply something more of daily life that oppresses it.
-What differentiates current marriages from those of yesteryear, which usually lasted a lifetime?
I'm one of those who think that previous years are do not make a difference with the present ones, I don't miss other times. Laws and the environment were indeed more conducive to marriage. However the important thing is every marriage, so in the face of that 50% failures that we have talked about at the beginning, there is another 50% who cares for their marriage, who cares about their spouse and children, who cultivates their love, who is willing to give themselves and who enjoys life this way.
Perhaps it takes more commitment, more daring and more audacity to face each day with the desire to bring marriage forward. One idea that I think is great is what the Chancellor told Bismarck; his wife, "I married you to love you". I mean, I'm marrying you because I love you, but I do it to love you. Love is a living thing that is recreated every day in small details.
-How does the relationship parents have with their children affect them?
I have been doing home teaching courses for many years and I have realized that as much as parents know about the characteristics of children, about authority, use of free time, etc... Success in education is based on love professed by each one. Children need to grow balanced and cheerful knowing that mom and dad love each other, in an environment of physical, affective and spiritual security. I believe that seeing their parents united, showing themselves in small everyday details their love and illusion, seeing them face bad times together and enjoying the good ones, sharing criteria; and seeking a suitable family environment is the most important thing.
-What measures do you set in your home to maintain the family united?
I would like to highlight one measure that I think is the fuss to support relationships and family life: food. If you want to succeed in your family life, I would recommend that parents share as many family meals as they can, if possible one each day. In a relaxed and natural environments such as food, or dinner, you are in a better way to listen, to talk, to be generous and polite. There are moments of fun, of telling anecdotes that remain in the memory. Of course, so-called electronic gadgets (mobiles, smartphones, etc....) are not invited. It's the quintessential family moment.