Intimacy and Sexuality
Author: Dora Tobar, PHD | Source: For your marriage
The essential characteristic of married love is its condition of total surrender of life, in order to constitute a community of people who give mutual safety, pleasure, company, comfort and support. So the kind of intimacy includes free and joyful donation of our bodies through sexual intimacy, but is not limited only to this. The degree of complementarity and benefits of sexuality has to do with the degree of intimacy which the couple has reached in the different aspects of their life. This is, with the degree of communication, of confidence, of respect, of delicate treatment and solidarity and mutual support in their daily life.
It can be said that, with the exception of the limitations that sometimes a disease or a biological dysfunction can bring into sexual life, the majority of the problems faced by couples in bed, have to do with their intimacy in everyday life. For example, it is really difficult that the wife feels attracted and willing to surrender herself at night, to a husband that has done nothing but criticize or offend her, during the day or that saw her tired and did not help her with the house chores.
Most of the problems faced by couples in bed, have to do with their intimacy in everyday life.
To improve the level of intimacy, a couple must keep in mind the following:
Intimacy means acceptance: we accept our spouse when we make him feel that, even knowing his flaws and limitations, both of character and physical, he or she, is the most important person in our lives and that is the reason to always count on us. We demonstrate this with the care with which we hear, through the words of comfort we give, through the interest and concern that we manifest for knowing how the other person feels and by the way of how we express our disagreements, without judging the intentions of the other.
Intimacy supposes confidence: the confidence is not something that can be demanded but a reality that is spontaneously born between two persons who feel accepted. But confidence can be grown. It is necessary to start from an act of fundamental faith: believing that in any moment the other does not have the explicit intention of offending or hurting us. This attitude of trust in the good intentions of the other person and his essential goodness is decisive to achieve an open dialogue between the couples, both at the level of differences as for the preferences that we have at an intimate level.
The lack of confidence may instead hamper all levels of communication both emotional and physically. For example, I know couples who feel very uncomfortable in the intimacy because one of the spouses has bad breath and the other one is ashamed to tell him this. This leads them to develop a great reluctance and nuisance towards sexuality as one of the spouses does not know what is happening.
Thanks to trust couples should be able to tell each other what pleases them more and what they do not like or does not satisfy them. Briefly, trust creates the complicity and friendship that is required between two good lovers which makes them partners forever.
That confidence should give the couple the freedom to suggest having a sexual relationship but also to refuse it because they do not feel like doing it, without this leading the other to think that they are being rejected or not loved.
And when, with the passing of the years, sexual intimacy is not the one that primes, confidence can maintain in the couple this union that makes it feel as if there are no secrets between them; that the spouse can talk about the most difficult issues such as feelings about the relationship with their family, the problems at work, even our conscience dilemmas.
Intimacy supposes tenderness. The tenderness is composed of gestures or generous words with which a person caresses not only the body but also the soul of the other person. They are those looks of admiration, those eye winks that raise the mood of our spouse; they are the flowers with which we want to say to someone: "Today I thought of you"; it is the consolation hug or company with which we receive our partner after a day of work. They can be also "compliments" or phrases of praise which, even if time passes and the mirror allows us to see the deterioration, make our partner feel that we continue admiring and loving them. The power of tenderness is such that we can say that it is the best aphrodisiac, not only because it motivates the caresses, but because it keeps the couple in love. For all this, it becomes clear that "making love" is much more than going to bed. It is to develop in all aspects of communication and coexistence the possibilities of devotion and intimacy of which God has made us able, and that with his grace can always improve.