Author: María Teresa González Maciel | Source: Catholic.Net
1. I have been able to observe the pain of the person who suffers infidelity; especially if it happens a second time.
2. The fact of breaking the promise of not being unfaithful again, doesn’t matter with whom, is painful. The name does not matter, nor does the appearance, it’s knowing that the other person is able to give body and mind to another.
3. This implies missing vital values like honesty and fidelity. It is a betrayal of one's own principles or a lack of them.
4. If the person returns to a relationship that runs many risks, a relationship that was cultivated or had an infidelity with a new person, it is natural that the affected questions him or herself: since when?, why did he/she did this to me?
5. All feelings are normal, so it is healthy for the affected to validate them, recognize them and work on them.
6. Denial on the part of the unfaithful person duplicates the pain of betrayal.
First of all, it is important that the affected person works on self-esteem, remembering that they are a loved, valuable, and a precious person. That it’s life has great potential, and so much to be done and achieved. It is important that the person continues having goals, and dreams, trying to maintain serenity and strength. This part is very important because it’s needed more than self-esteem, the value of one person never depends on the opinion of another. Review, assess and concentrate on the strengths.
Another point to consider is whether the spouse's behavior was a weakness. It is very different from an addictive behavior.
When it is an addiction, we speak of bigger words that may have a solution, but they need hard work. There are people who manage to forgive an infidelity, perhaps many. However, others find it almost impossible to do so. In any case, it takes the grace of God to be able to forgive, to heal wounds and to believe that He can make all things new.
It is important to consider that there are many years, a lot of investment of love, time and struggles that are worth rescuing.
An essential point in a couple is dialogue. Despite the pain and natural rage that exists, it is important to try not to damage the relationship anymore. This means that if you can not control the rage or any physical or verbal violence when dealing with the subject, take a time out, that is, do not touch the subject, even physically withdrawing. This time it can be a few minutes, hours or days. If, when the issue is resumed, violence reappears, time will continue to be taken outside until it can be spoken more calmly. Another possibility is to make a letter, addressed with respect and clarity. Put the points on the table, infidelity is primarily the responsibility of the unfaithful person.
The infidel is not justified by saying that there were shortcomings. Because if details, creativity, passion, times of coexistence, dialogue, and listening are needed to find the dream asleep in the other, to get the other put in place and "put in the shoes of the other" to externalize and listen to the feelings, anxieties, fears, and mutual struggles, it must be talked openly looking for ways to get ahead. And do not try to fill the gaps in the cisterns of the street.
Before taking a drastic situation I would invite you to consider a fundamental point:
The impact for the children is disastrous, the smaller the greater the impact. Many times the mother usually stays, manages to deal with the situation as best as possible by the offspring, is very commendable ... although the best is to fix the problem from the root, and let the couple, the family, win. Finally the children perceive whether or not there is harmony and unity between their parents.
It is also true that many marriages solidify and grow very much after infidelity.
Some points that can help:
Very important to work on a personal level.
A. Recognize and work the feelings of anger, hatred and revenge. Since they do not allow to see clearly.
B. Working forgiveness is a gift that the affected person makes to herself.
C. Praying to God for the spouses and people who are going through or went through similar situations, or great pain.
D. Avoid thoughts that hurt you, ask yourself what this thought leads me to and change it for a positive one.
E. Strengthen self-esteem.
F. Having patience with yourself and your spouse is an arduous process that has ups and downs.
G. Focus on the present work, rather than the claim of the past.
H. Take into account that your state of mind, your actions, not only affect who suffered the betrayal but also impact the children. It is an opportunity to teach them how to face adversity.
I. Seek spiritual and / or therapeutic help, there are specialists who can harm if they are disoriented in their value